Turn The Magnifying Glass Around

Something that saddens me is to hear people verbally bash their spouses and children.

During our engagement, Chris and I had attended a seminar about The Five Love Languages (http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/). Then we attended another of these seminars when we were newly married to explore if growth and change in our relationship changed our view on our "Love Language". During this second seminar, which was offered through our church, we were seated at a table of couples all much older and married much longer than the two of us. Pretty much the entire group was chatting and teasing one another, and then the teasing turned to criticizing of their spouses. Men were even trying to one-up each other on how selfish their wives were, and wives doing the same on how lazy their husbands were. One would make a remark, then another would follow it with, "Oh yeah, well my (husband/wife) does this...". They laughed, as though it were all in jest, but the body language of some of these sweet souls revealed their embarrassment. They were embarrassed that their loved ones were saying such negative/condescending things in front of the group. We didn't partake in these conversations, but sat back staring in embarrassment for these people. Some of these couples were involved in leadership at our church and had the opportunity to impact so many--including a young couple like us!

I'm sure we looked as shocked as we felt 'cuz one lady finally asked how long Chris and I had been married, and at that time I believe it had only been a matter of weeks since we'd said our vows. That woman smirked and said, "Just wait, you'll see." with a matter-of-fact tone. WOW. These were the people meant to encourage us in our new journey as husband and wife? Neither Chris nor I have ever forgotten that event and the sadness we felt for those people whose outlook on marriage had obviously soured in some way.

I love and appreciate my husband so much. I'm certain I don't tell him that or show him that enough. Now don't get me wrong, he sometimes bugs the freckles right off my nose! But one thing I do know is this: MEN NEED TO FEEL RESPECTED, and WOMEN NEED TO FEEL LOVED. (Ephesians 5:25-33) That's how God designed us. How we go about showing these feelings depends on the person to whom we're married and how they best understand and receive love.

I'm certain that criticizing and pointing out any shortcomings to a group of people would not make my husband feel respected. In fact, my hubby's Love Language is Words of Affirmation. If I give him 99 praises and 1 criticism, that 1 critical attitude can erase or at least lessen the other 99 expressions. And that's just at home--I'd certainly never want to berate him in public! And men definitely want to feel respected in their own home. If they can't find respect in their safest place, they may look elsewhere for it, and no wife wants that.

Someone reading this may think that their husband is just not a good guy...maybe he's lied, cheated, etc, so why/how would they show him respect? I'd just encourage you to look for the positive things. If he's not handy but cooks a great casserole, tell him and others what a great chef you have at home! If he doesn't have a great work ethic but genuinely loves his children, tell him and others what a great father he is! Your example of Christ's love can motivate him!

I was recently with a group of women who were sharing some personal needs and prayer requests. Some of these ladies were mothers, and their prayer requests mostly involved their children in regard to the start of the school year or health concerns. Then one woman called her child a name, and if memory serves correctly I believe she referred to her as "a terror". Exactly what the mother called her kid (I think a teenager) is irrelevant, but the tone and attitude and her resolve about it let me pick up on the fact that she'd felt this way for a while.

My heart felt so sad about this because I'm a mother who can't imagine feeling that way about my kids! I really LIKE my kids. I have a toddler who's learning boundaries and to push boundaries, but that's where my (and my hubby's) loving discipline comes into play. She won't always behave perfectly--not now, not as a teenager, maybe not even as an adult--but I will always love her and lovingly try to help her appropriately navigate her way through this world. I've had tough mommy days, and I can understand where this lady might feel exasperated and that those critical thoughts may cross her mind...but to say it aloud to a group of people?

I felt embarrassed for the daughter who wasn't even present because whenever this group of women sees her in the future, those critical thoughts are going to accompany that girl's presence! I also felt sad for the daughter--whatever her name, her age, or issues causing her mom to think she's a terror--because I bet the girl picks up on the mom's attitude, ya know? At some point, if not already, that girl's going to think, "Why bother? My mom doesn't like me anyway." And that's a scary thought. When a child feels that alone and desperate, there's no telling the depths that path can carry her into. There are people in this world who cannot conceive children, so I desperately wish the ones who can would appreciate those kids more! I don't feel compelled to pray for just this girl, but I'm going to be praying for the mother's heart to be softened.

It seems that sometimes people are nicer to their pastors on Sundays, acquaintances they mingle with occasionally, and even strangers they simply flutter past in WalMart. I hope that anyone who reads this will simply consider the idea of speaking highly of those they love. I'm not saying to pretend your loved ones have no faults or that they're perfect, but I bet if you turn the magnifying glass around then the negative things will become so small and the positive ones so enhanced!